Friday, September 23, 2005

Ok, so I haven't posted much while I took a week off. So here's a bit of whimsy from an old prof of mine to entertain you while I beat the cold I've caught..

AP--The White House announced today plans to make a tactical nuclearstrike against Hurricane Rita, and likely all future storms Category 2and upthat threaten the United States as well.

In a press conference, President Bush declared a no-tolerance policyregarding terrorist attacks by Mother Nature. "From now on we will makepre-emptive strikes against this swirlinessof evil," Bush stated. The White House Press secretary elaborated that they believe strategically-placed nuclear blasts will be sufficient todisperse even a Category 5 storm before it reaches America's shores. When questioned about the negative environmental impact, including radiation clouds sweeping over the U.S., Bush paused and squinted for a moment, before chuckling,"We will prevail." Bush was careful to clarify that Mother Nature was a good religion, and that the "insurfency" would be "wiped out." Bush went onto describe the new Axis of Evil as hurricanes, global warming, and Cindy Sheehan.

In a Democratic response, Senator John Kerry (D-MA) proposed a plan to negotiate with the hurricane. Kerry reminisced about how he once fought a hurricane in a speedboat and was wounded, for which he received a purple bruise.

Senator John McCain (R-AZ), who was once held prisoner by a hurricane, supported the President's initiative and yet somehow still retained his likeability.

Governor Schwarzenegger (R-CA) challenged Hurricane Rita to a weight-lifting contest, referring to the hurricane as a "sissy storm."

Vice-President Dick Cheney (R-Halliburton) said the Bush administration has clear evidence linking both Hurricanes Katrina and Rita to Al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein. "It's the ultimate WMD, or "Wave of Massive Distribution," he declared. Operation "Storm Storm" is already underway despite protests by the United Nations.

France's President Chirac argued that the new U.S. storm policy would cost his nation several lucrative arms and oil deals, not to mention its sacred two hour lunches. "Uh, I mean, this is immoral," he added.


Hollywood celebrities will hold a series of concerts and benefits to"Save the Hurricanes." On Comedy Central's The Daily Show, John Stewart played clips of hurricanes that were only somewhat out of context before expressing his humorous incredulity. South Park satirized hurricanes in their episode titled "The Passion of Katrina," but could not resist its own balanced-but-with-a-tinge-of-preachiness message at the end of the episode.

Fox News made a fair and balanced report about how hurricanes are condoned and created by Muslims while Geraldo wept salty ocean water tears for the humanity of it all. CNN's Lou Dobbs, with all the authority appointed him by his American flag pin, pointed out that hurricanes are technically illegal immigrants and questioned whether or not they are stealing our American jobs. Nancy Grace expressed righteous indignation that these "mass murderers" have never been prosecuted in a court of law.

The CIA has been concerned about hurricane proliferation ever since the end of the Cold War in the early 1990s when suitcase hurricanes were being distributed on the black market. Meanwhile, the Department of HomelandSecurity is researching whether or not terrorists may try to sneak hurricanes onto public transportation.

In an apparent incident of theological contradiction, Jesus of Nazareth forgave the hurricanes, saying "They know not who they swoosh," and,"If you pluck out your hurricane's eye, then the hurricane will totally drown your ass (donkey)." However, Christian leaders insisted that the hurricanes will "steam in hell."

Former Presidents George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton, while touring theGulf region, noted that hurricane debris made it almost impossible toplay a proper round of golf. When inquired about their campaign for Gulf hurricane relief, they were forced to clarify that their efforts only extended as far as "golf" relief

.Osama Bin Laden, speaking from his plush resort in the Florida Keys, said, "I'm just really glad it wasn't a Category 5 when it hit us. Oh yes,and the American infidels will drown in their own blood. Praise Allah." Followers of a Los Angeles hurricane cult committed mass suicide inorder to "disperse with the hurricane." Meanwhile, a guru in Sedona, Arizona,was arrested after committing vandalism. She claimed she was only "channelling the hurricane." In a related story, 200 years after the Louisiana Purchase, the U.S. has offered Louisiana back to France.

--Daniel J. Sanders, reporter for V.I.P. (Vox Idiota Press)

1 comment:

maizzy said...

Hey Greg,

Hope you feel better... I miss your life rants. Get better!

All the best!

Maizzy