To: Greg
From: MetLife
Re: Denial of claim

Dear Sir:

This is to inform you that we have denied your claim for the following reasons:(a) Services were rendered prior to the effective coverage date.

Hmm......This shouldn't happen. I have COBRA!!!

(beep beep boop boop beep) Riiiiiinnnngg.....riiiinnnggg....

Welcome to MetLife!

If you have a touchtone phone, press 1.
Los needos personas to hablas espanol, numero 2.
If you don't have a touchtone phone, and have no idea what we said in the second sentence, please hold while we transfer you to an underpaid, overworked customer service 'specialist' who just got dumped by her boyfriend and could care less about you......

(beep)

If you need to enroll, press (1), then press (3), then press (4). We have no idea what will happen when you press (3) and then (4), but we thought it would be fun to say.

If you have a question about your company's enrollment process press (2) and you'll be transferred to our Spanish speaking operator.

If you have a question about your benefits, and are currently at work, press (3) to be disconnected. You should be working, not screwing around.

If you have a question about your benefits, and are currently at home with the afternoon free, press (4) to be put on indefinite hold.

If you have a question about your benefits, and are currently standing in the emergency room bleeding to death, press (5) and you will be put on emergency hold. Currently, there are 2,545 people ahead of you.

If you are a retiree, and have a question about Medicaid payments, press (6), and we'll tell you we don't know.

For all other questions, please hold, and we'll get to you sometime before the new year.

(beep)

Please hold. You're business is important to us. Please hold. You're business is important to us.Please hold. You're business is important to us....

(click)

"MetLife, this is Susie. How can I help you?"

Hi. My dental claim was denied, and I was wondering why.

"Your name and SSN, sir."

greg. 123-45-6789.

{clickclickclickclick}

"Sir, I show your coverage was terminated by your employer as of June 1st."

No, no. I left my employer on Memorial Day. But I'm on COBRA coverage now.

"I'm sorry sir, I don't show you as being on COBRA. You'll have to contact your employer's service center to find out what they did."

Thanks...

(beep beep boop boop beep) Riiiiiinnnngg.....riiiinnnggg....

Thank you for calling the Employee Service Center. Your call is important to us.

If you have a touchtone phone, press 1.
Los needos personas to hablas espanol, numero 2.
If you don't have a touchtone phone, and have no idea what we said in the second sentence, please hold while we transfer you to an underpaid, overworked customer service 'specialist' who just got dumped by her boyfriend and could care less about you......

Do all these guys shop at the same voice mail store?

(beep)

If you are a current employee and have a question about enrolling, please wait until November and press (1)

If you are a current employee and need to change your benefits, press (2) to be connected to your boss. Be prepared to answer why you need this change.

If you are a current employee and have a question about your benefits, we can't explain them to you. Press (3) to be connected to a benefit provider at random. Odds of you getting the right provider: 1 in 50.

If you are a retiree and have not gotten the mailing about how your costs will be increasing by 50% effective tomorrow, press (4) and we will attempt to sound sympathetic while we use small words to explain the reaming you're about to get.

If you are a retiree and have gotten the mailing and wish to complain, press (5) and we'll put you on hold for the rest of the day. After all, you're retired. What else do you have to do?

If you are a former employee, are on COBRA, and just got denied because your former service provider has ABSOLUTELY no record of you having coverage, press (8).

To repeat the menu you've just been listening to for the last 5 minutes, press (9)

(beep)

(do do doo doo doo doo doo.....)

"This is Marcus, how may I help you?"

Uh. Yeah. I have COBRA and MetLife denied my dental claim because they don't show that I have COBRA coverage.

"Ok. Your name and SSN please."

greg. 123-45-6789.

"Ok.......(clickclickclickclickclick)....hmm....(clickclickclickclick)....uhh.....(clickclickclick)..hmm....sir, my computers are down. Can you give me a number where I could contact you when they come up?"

That was Monday. I'm still waiting...